My Ectopic Pregnancy
The alarm clock rings and suddenly the blissful girls night out joys have been met with me awakening to being in a puddle of blood and totally oblivious to what would later be diagnosed as an ectopic pregnancy. I reach for my phone but my arm could not stretch to reach the nightstand. I sat there with an unapologetic smirk as I shouted, “hello period you cannot ruin the day before it starts”. I attempt to stand and collapse bringing the curtains and curtain rod down with me- by God’s grace, that phone from the nightstand, you know the one I could not reach, landed within a fingers distance.
My thoughts raced frantically with the calming tone only of my Mother I saught. Yet, 9-1-1 was the only number I could remember. I don’t know if it was moments or hours later that the paramedics arrived, but I do know that they had to force entry into my apartment and I awoke in the hospital with the Nurse over me saying, “is there anyone that we can call?; you are going into surgery?”. Honestly, I cannot recall whom was called first, but my oldest sister, my life line of secret keeping was amongst the first to answer. I remember her telling me that everything was going to be alright and that she would speak to me after the surgery. Somehow, it was as if my big sis, had already prayed for the provision of healing and the request was met with a nod from God because her tone was so peaceful; so peaceful in fact that it allowed me to close my eyes so tightly that tears could not flow for my strength was required for whatever was happening inside of my body.
The anesthesiologist comes in, “sign here”, “you will be sleep soon” and “the Doctor will be there to talk with you when it is all over”. I recall asking what was happening, maybe for the 100th time, but either I was mute or the care of my desire to know what was happening was of no relevance to others.
The surgery was a success, well by measures of life, because my eyes were opened by the kiss of my Mother on my forehead. I remember crying internally so silently as if my tears were the blood that poured from my body while I was asleep at home. The bond of love that my Mother and I share is so strong that there was no highway mileage calculation that would keep her from being right there by my side. There was nothing to discuss, her only concern was that I was alright and somehow in the silence, I knew that she felt the pain of my body but yet looked beyond to give me all that she had to ensure that I did not quit.
The Doctor comes in and identifies that I had an ectopic pregnancy. I asked with such haste, “how did this happen?” Rhetorical right? No, I knew how the pregnancy happened but what I did not know was why my egg was fertilized in my fallopian tube. “I am healthy, I am young, I am vibrant. I am on birth control. I have so much to live for. I will be the perfect Mother”. — well, this was all occurring in my head because as I finished Mother, the Doctor went on to say that I was too far along to salvage my tube. I curled into the fetus position and rubbed my belly with such an empathetic massage- thinking of the roller coaster of emotions that I would feel and later be faced with, I closed my eyes as my Mother began to pray and assured she was not leaving until I was ready for her too.
This could not have happened at a worst time, I am on the brink of an academic milestone and failure to complete what I started would be worst of a set back than being told, “I am half a woman”. Yet, my Parents reminded me of my strength, the tenacious spirit of my lineage as well as affirming their unconditional love and support despite the outcome. Well, yes, you guessed it! I finished what I started BUT you know what was worst, I finished broken! I never allowed myself the opportunity to grieve the loss, to BE STILL and/or to talk it out; the rug which covered the abyss of my pitfalls swayed back and took control.
The resonation here is that there is always something to do BUT if you are not your complete self you wound those around you as well as store hatred for the what could be, ultimately advancing the age of your soul! Healing is required for transformation into the best model of yourself!
Needless to say, the power of connection is real, the same Doctor that performed my ectopic removal became my OBGYN, my mentor, my friend and this relationship culminated itself into an impactful bond that changed what would have been the trajectory of destruction! So much so that when I found out I was “successfully” pregnant, she became apart of my multi-disciplinary Physician Team. I would later find that the birth control I was taking was the culprit of my pregnancy loss.
If you have experienced, going through, or at risk for an ectopic pregnancy , say this to yourself daily, “I am enough, my body will be healed and I will bring forth life”!
Stay tuned as we continue the journey to healing, hope and discovery of self!
In recap from the previous post, an ectopic pregnancy occurs when the embryo implants outside the uterus, usually in one of the fallopian tubes. A fetus does not usually survive an ectopic pregnancy.
If you have an ectopic pregnancy, you may not know it as first, until it bleeds. Then you may get severe pain in your lower abdomen, vaginal bleeding, vomiting or pain in the tip of one shoulder. If you have these symptoms, it’s important to seek urgent medical attention.
